Auto Trends

1993 Honda Civic Del Sol S

We once heard that the “S”, in the Del Sol S, meant “sucks”, but we don’t have any real proof of that other than its 1.5 liter, 102 horsepower, 98 ft-lbs torque engine, which practically says it all. What says even more, is the high performance edition Del Sol, called the Si, with its extra beefed 125 horsepower, 1.6 liter engine, can only hope to achieve 0 to 60 in 8.8 seconds.

That means that with the Del Sol S-“ucks”, you might get to 60 in around 10 seconds, which is just shy of beating a little rascal motorized wheelchair. While we would love to love the Honda Del sol, the truth is it must have sold its soul to the Toyota Supra on its first day of production, and just never got it back.

In 1995, Honda worked in a VTEC engine capable of 160 horsepower, but the lame reputation had already done its damage and the little sports car was doomed to be forever embarrassing. As described by car reviewer Jim Kensie, “The replacement for the lovable CR-X (that’s was the Del Sol folks) was funny looking, soft, and basically stupid and irrelevant—saw one on the road the other day… I still don’t get it.”

We don’t either Jimmie!

1992 Lexus SC 400

So far most of the embarrassing vehicles we have talked about have been slow in the toe. But there are two very important things to great performance. First, a well performing vehicle must first drive like stink… which the Lexus first attempt at a sports car, the Lexus SC 400, did a decent job of with its 4.0 liter V-8 (250 horsepower, 260 ft-lbs). The 4.0 was capable of pulling the SC’s 4,000 lb body from 0-60 in 6.6 seconds.

Second, a well performing vehicle must be able to stop like anti-stink, especially when that vehicle weighs in approximation to 4,000 lbs. This is where the SC 400 becomes a little embarrassing because it has about 250 forward horsepower and about 100 horsepower worth of brake pads. The problem is the brakes are not designed to handle the capability of the SC400.

If your going to roll around picking up pennies out the car door, it should perform quite well, but if you plan to drive it, like it was stolen, plan on having the brakes fade on you. Why the poor braking performance? Well, reportedly Lexus was concerned that the larger pads would dirty the wheels. Yes, so clearly the SC 400 was never meant to be driven as it looks like it should, otherwise you might die. But at least your wheels will be clean…

Even if your underwear isn’t!

2007 Ford F-150 Roush (Stage 3)

While there will be plenty of people who disagree with this claim (it is only a truck after all), the problem with the Roush F-150, is its bark is much worse than its bite. By the word “bark” we are referring to its $16,000 over the factory $33,000 price tag, loud supercharger whine, fake hood scoop, giant truck bed whale tail spoiler, and those infamous dual race stripes.

Its “bite” is approximately 445 horsepower, 500 ft-lbs torque, 0 to 60 mph in 6.8 seconds, and the quarter-mile in 14.9 seconds. Not BAD numbers by most standards, but there is still a slew of non-supercharged vehicles that could hand it its tailpipe, such as the Dodge SRT-10, or even worse, the V-6 Toyota Camry.

Yes, the Roush Stage 3 can take you just about anywhere you would need to go in plenty of time, haul a nice load of cow dung from one side of the farm to the next, but it looks more like it belongs on the track… but its performance on the other hand is just not track worthy. Cool looking truck… it’s just not as fast as it looks!

2004 Smart Roadster

With just one engine available on this beast, the three-cylinder turbocharged 698cc (cubic “centimeter”), you should already know the kind of performance you are in for. Strap yourself in tight, as the standard Smart Roadster came stock in its base form with 80 fire breathing ponies. The manufacturer outwardly admits the car is not fast, but adds that it is still a lot of fun to drive.

Okay, define “fun to drive”. Yes, it can squeeze around corners, move forward when you press the accelerator, and stop when you press the brake. On certain scenarios, it can even overtake (pass) another vehicle, such as if you have enough prior notice and a really big downward hill on your side.

If you are the kind of person who likes the top rated models, the Smart Roadster claimed it had something even more performance oriented for you, the potent Brabus tuned version. The Brabus boosted the Smart’s base horsepower a whooping 20 bhp. In other words, this high performance model could actually pass another Le Car or Ford Pinto without even blowing a head gasket.

The car is “green”, which we give it kudos for. It is cheap to drive, both in gas and insurance (doesn’t move fast enough for insurance companies to gouge it). The car just looks a whole lot faster than it can back-up, which unfortunately classifies it amongst our cool cars… embarrassing performance pack!

1972 Chevrolet Camaro Budget GT

four out of the five words in this particular Camaro sure sound cool. “1972”… yeah, okay, we should be talking some real all-American muscle. “Chevrolet”… okay, they made the Corvette, Chevelle, Nova, and several other nasty muscle cars in the 60’s and 70’s.

“Camaro”… We all know the Baldwin Motion and COPO Camaro’s were awesome. “Budget”… hey, what the heck is going on here. “GT”… yeah, okay, this thing has got to be fast. Maybe it just omitted a few radio features and creature comforts.

Wait a garsh darn minute… this thing can only go 0-60 in 10.5 seconds, the quarter mile in 17.6 seconds. I guess the budget means that they left the engine completely out in exchange for some Flintstones cutouts.

This lowly “Budget” Chevrolet Camaro was not the only one to suffer in 1972. Due to the growing emissions laws, compression ratios dropped along with the horsepower numbers of all the Camaro’s. Of course the fact that horsepower became measured by its “net” ratings rather than “gross” effected things somewhat.

Net, meant that the horsepower numbers included all the drag and inefficiency of the pulley run accessories and smog gadgets. This combined with the stricter smog stuff pulled the 1971 Camaro LT 350 from 330 horsepower, down to 255 in 1972.

The high performance LT-1 could only barely muster 255 horsepower on a good day, and the big daddy (big block) 396 cubic inch cranked out a total of 240 horsepower. Heck you would spend about $240 just to get this gas guzzler across the state line with today’s gas prices.

1975 Corvette L82

Today, you could buy either the base Corvette or top of the line Corvette and it wouldn’t really matter in the big picture. You would have to wear an adult diaper with just about any of these if you were not used to a performance vehicle. But 1975 was but a whole other situation all together.

You see, 1972 may have been bad enough for the Camaro, but 1975 was the year of the depression in terms of the Corvette. It was under a whole new pile of emission laws and safety regulations, so by the time the Vette rolled off the line it was practically wearing training wheels as it went from 0-60 in 9.6 seconds.

First off, the infamous and feared big block 454 was yanked from the line. There was just no way they could have used that engine and still upheld the regulations enforced upon them. The Corvette L82, which was a 350 cubic inch power plant, was the next weapon of choice, hoisting a rather unimpressive 205 net horsepower.

If you didn’t have the big bucks to spend on the performance oriented L82, you could have always settled for the 165 horsepower base Corvette, which would have you left in the dust today by just about every current model compact, minivan, and maybe even a hybrid or two.

If your ever in a Volkswagen Beetle, Chevy Aveo, Toyota Yaris, (or something along these lines) and see one of these Corvettes next to you at the stoplight, go ahead and rev your engine. They will probably slink down in their seat, turn up their 8-track playing the Bee Gees, and pretend they can’t hear you.